My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
