So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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