Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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