Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
