I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
