I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
