i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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