I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
