whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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