I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
