god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
everyone is single if you try hard enough
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
