a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
