i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
