my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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