god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
