Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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