Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
