The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
