Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
