gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
