I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
