thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
