Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
