All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
