I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
