if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
