During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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