if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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