it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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