i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
