About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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