can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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