dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
