I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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