Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
