Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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