So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
