'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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