my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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