I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
