I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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