I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
