I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
