your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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