I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
