Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
