haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
