textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
