I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
