lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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